Thursday, August 31, 2017


Sometimes, there comes a time when a man gets so focused on his goals that he loses sight of the bigger picture. It becomes a pure obsession.

Towards the end of MGS:V, there is a mission called The War Economy. It is the last unique mission of the game. The intro radio has Miller talking and he states that the only objective is to make Diamond Dogs bigger and bigger. And he says the following.

We Fight and Grow. We Fight and Grow. We Fight and Grow. We Fight and Grow.

At this point in the game, you have completed all the story and it just becomes nothing but grinding until the second ending.

And sometimes, that is just what life feels like.

My whole mission just becomes to acquire more dollars, more money, and increase the net worth. Just to Fight and Grow another day. For another dollar. Because that is all that ever matters anymore.

None of my previous loves, passions, hobbies, memories, or experiences matter anymore. The only joy or sense of satisfaction just becomes to accumulate another dollar. Just to Fight and Grow.

And that is what it is like to be consumed.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Last time seeing Julia

In the middle of my book, I hit a place where I just wanted to stop writing entirely. I hit a point where I just didn't want to write about because I'd have to relive that part of my life again. The piece I'm working on is aiming to be at least 100 pages in a google doc file and cover 6 years (September 2010 to February 2016). Today, my piece is 73 pages long and I stopped writing when the narrative hit August 2014. I just need to complete another 27 pages and finish less then 2 years worth of narrative. I'll pick it up and complete the work, but recently, I've just gotten that uneasy feeling and I have to write.

February 2014 was the last time I saw her and August 2014 was the last time I ever heard from her. During difficult times in my life, I'd wait for Hideo Kojima to make the next Metal Gear Solid game however, The Phantom Pain was still being developed and it wouldn't be out until September 1st 2015. I still had one year to wait.

Even though August was the last time I ever saw her, she never really disappeared entirely. Until today, there haven't been many days where I haven't thought about her. Despite that, the world never stops turning and operations still have to be carried out. After August 2014, I try to recall some significant events but my memory is kind of blurring all the events together.

When it came to work, the most significant event I could recall was the implementation of a new accounting system and my whole department had to migrate several years worth of data over to the new system. The transition was not as smooth as we hoped it to be and our daily routine was overburdened with an extra 2 or 3 hours of work for at least a few weeks.

2014 and 2015 was a period where our company was expanding and trying new ideas. We started to bring on a business that dealt with the travel industry. I had to figure out how to record the sales and the data I got was a complete mess. Just communicating with these guys involved multiple emails going back and forth just to get the correct data.

In the middle of all this, I kept on thinking about Julia when I was going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning.

In 2015, our company expanded ownership into another country for tax purposes and I had to work with a foreign bank that closed by 8 am in the United States. By the end of the Summer of 2015, upper management came down on my hard for what felt like a minor mistake on a spreadsheet. After feeling crushed after a meeting, I was feeling backed into a corner until I reached a breaking point and I just exploded.

With murderous rage flowing through my veins, I started smashing up office property and I walked into Friday looking like I was about to murder anyone who looked at me the wrong way. I was feeling absolutely psychotic. And customer service was there the previous day when I smashed office property. They saw everything.

Management asked me a question and I stared at them like my head was about to explode with a dead murderous rage in my eyes and slowly creaked my head back to my computer screen. I read them the riot act and said I'd be quitting after April 2016. By that time, if they hadn't fired me before then, I'd have my 100 stacks and I'd pull out of the career completely. Management retreated to a separate office.

A couple days later, it was finally September 1st 2015. Metal Gear Solid V finally came out. It was the only game I ever bought new on release date.

During October 2015, I was suffering from chest pains and went to see a cardiologist. I was afraid that I had heart problems due to stress and lack of sleep. My ekg results came up drastically abnormal. It wouldn't be until January 2016 when I got a nuclear stress test and I found out I'd be okay. There was no blockage around my heart.

February of 2016, I finally had my 100 stacks.

Every since then, I've been tempted to reach out to Julia again. I can't though, I just know that no good would come from it. But the world never stops turning no matter how much I want it to. While Hideo Kojima is no longer making Metal Gear Solid, at least he is still making games. I've heard that Death Stranding has been delayed until 2019 but I'm still eager to wait for some gameplay footage.

July 2013 expenses

July 2013

For the month of July, I spent a total of $613.23. My auto insurance was $191 and my health insurance was $41.91. I spent $161.97 on gas by filling up my tank 5 times. On fast food, I spent $22.64 on 4 different visits. I received several coupons in the mail for fast food so I saved money there. I did spend a lot of money by going to other restaurants as my total was $108.66 for the month. I ate with my friends twice but I started going to the restaurant in my office building a lot. I ate at the office cafeteria at least 12 times this month. I spent $25.97 on groceries. I purchased $20.74 worth of phone service.