For the love of the world

This happened to me a few months back.

I was commuting from work, and to break up the commute time, I decided to stop at the McDonald's on the way to my house. Tired and sweating, I hopped out, walked inside and ordered a coffee with 2 cheeseburgers.

I ate my burger and sat there drinking my coffee.

There was a family in the booth in front of me with some children eating there meal. There was nothing out the ordinary in the least.

While thinking about the previous 7 years, my gut feeling was complete utter struggle every step of the way. However, in that moment, something felt different.

I sat there in the air conditioned restaurant drinking my coffee. And I thought to myself.

This coffee only cost me one dollar, but just imagine all the steps it took to get in my hands. These beans had to be grown in South America where farmers had to tend the crops and eventually harvest them. Afterwards, those beans would have had to been processed, packaged, and stored on a ship. That ship had to be driven and floated all the way to America where the cargo would be unloaded and probably held in some warehouse before being again loaded on a truck. After several stops, that truck would unload the cargo and the beans would go to a processing plant where they would be ground up and packaged in the McDonald's packaging.

At that point, the packaged coffee would be put on a different truck and then that truck would go make the rounds and unload the coffee at every local McDonald's. From that point, the employees would unbox the coffee, sort it out at the beginning of the day, then wait for a customer to order it. The employee would then open the coffee and put it in the machine to brew, put it in a cup and hand it to me after I gave them one dollar.

Due to economies of scale, supply chain management, logistics, accountants, managers, and every man that was willing to work to make a dollar... I was able to enjoy that coffee.

I looked around me while drinking that coffee. As I felt the cool air conditioning, everything looked beautiful in that moment. Everything was just wonderful. Whatever problem or conundrum that came my way, life was still very good. It was still so beautiful.

In that moment, I thought that I would want to do what I could to preserve this way of life for future generations.

Consumption

Sometimes, there comes a time when a man gets so focused on his goals that he loses sight of the bigger picture. It becomes a pure obsession.

Towards the end of MGS:V, there is a mission called The War Economy. It is the last unique mission of the game. The intro radio has Miller talking and he states that the only objective is to make Diamond Dogs bigger and bigger. And he says the following.

We Fight and Grow. We Fight and Grow. We Fight and Grow. We Fight and Grow.

At this point in the game, you have completed all the story and it just becomes nothing but grinding until the second ending.

And sometimes, that is just what life feels like.

My whole mission just becomes to acquire more dollars, more money, and increase the net worth. Just to Fight and Grow another day. For another dollar. Because that is all that ever matters anymore.

None of my previous loves, passions, hobbies, memories, or experiences matter anymore. The only joy or sense of satisfaction just becomes to accumulate another dollar. Just to Fight and Grow.

And that is what it is like to be consumed.

Last time seeing Julia

In the middle of my book, I hit a place where I just wanted to stop writing entirely. I hit a point where I just didn't want to write about because I'd have to relive that part of my life again. The piece I'm working on is aiming to be at least 100 pages in a google doc file and cover 6 years (September 2010 to February 2016). Today, my piece is 73 pages long and I stopped writing when the narrative hit August 2014. I just need to complete another 27 pages and finish less then 2 years worth of narrative. I'll pick it up and complete the work, but recently, I've just gotten that uneasy feeling and I have to write.

February 2014 was the last time I saw her and August 2014 was the last time I ever heard from her. During difficult times in my life, I'd wait for Hideo Kojima to make the next Metal Gear Solid game however, The Phantom Pain was still being developed and it wouldn't be out until September 1st 2015. I still had one year to wait.

Even though August was the last time I ever saw her, she never really disappeared entirely. Until today, there haven't been many days where I haven't thought about her. Despite that, the world never stops turning and operations still have to be carried out. After August 2014, I try to recall some significant events but my memory is kind of blurring all the events together.

When it came to work, the most significant event I could recall was the implementation of a new accounting system and my whole department had to migrate several years worth of data over to the new system. The transition was not as smooth as we hoped it to be and our daily routine was overburdened with an extra 2 or 3 hours of work for at least a few weeks.

2014 and 2015 was a period where our company was expanding and trying new ideas. We started to bring on a business that dealt with the travel industry. I had to figure out how to record the sales and the data I got was a complete mess. Just communicating with these guys involved multiple emails going back and forth just to get the correct data.

In the middle of all this, I kept on thinking about Julia when I was going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning.

In 2015, our company expanded ownership into another country for tax purposes and I had to work with a foreign bank that closed by 8 am in the United States. By the end of the Summer of 2015, upper management came down on my hard for what felt like a minor mistake on a spreadsheet. After feeling crushed after a meeting, I was feeling backed into a corner until I reached a breaking point and I just exploded.

With murderous rage flowing through my veins, I started smashing up office property and I walked into Friday looking like I was about to murder anyone who looked at me the wrong way. I was feeling absolutely psychotic. And customer service was there the previous day when I smashed office property. They saw everything.

Management asked me a question and I stared at them like my head was about to explode with a dead murderous rage in my eyes and slowly creaked my head back to my computer screen. I read them the riot act and said I'd be quitting after April 2016. By that time, if they hadn't fired me before then, I'd have my 100 stacks and I'd pull out of the career completely. Management retreated to a separate office.

A couple days later, it was finally September 1st 2015. Metal Gear Solid V finally came out. It was the only game I ever bought new on release date.

During October 2015, I was suffering from chest pains and went to see a cardiologist. I was afraid that I had heart problems due to stress and lack of sleep. My ekg results came up drastically abnormal. It wouldn't be until January 2016 when I got a nuclear stress test and I found out I'd be okay. There was no blockage around my heart.

February of 2016, I finally had my 100 stacks.

Every since then, I've been tempted to reach out to Julia again. I can't though, I just know that no good would come from it. But the world never stops turning no matter how much I want it to. While Hideo Kojima is no longer making Metal Gear Solid, at least he is still making games. I've heard that Death Stranding has been delayed until 2019 but I'm still eager to wait for some gameplay footage.

July 2013 expenses

July 2013

For the month of July, I spent a total of $613.23. My auto insurance was $191 and my health insurance was $41.91. I spent $161.97 on gas by filling up my tank 5 times. On fast food, I spent $22.64 on 4 different visits. I received several coupons in the mail for fast food so I saved money there. I did spend a lot of money by going to other restaurants as my total was $108.66 for the month. I ate with my friends twice but I started going to the restaurant in my office building a lot. I ate at the office cafeteria at least 12 times this month. I spent $25.97 on groceries. I purchased $20.74 worth of phone service.

6 years of pain misery and frustration (aftermath)

It was February of 2016. I was sitting in my office and I was just staring at the calendar. I double checked all my bank accounts and counted to make sure everything was there. I finally did it. After 6 years, I finally accumulated one hundred thousand dollars.

My ultimate goal was complete and I was done. And I was only 28 at the time. Back then, I was working to accumulate 100 stacks so I could leave my job, move out to the desert, live in a cave, and make sure no one would ever bother me for the rest of my life.

Before doing that though, there were a few items that I wanted to buy. I bought some land in a different state. I bought a handgun with some bullets. I bought a brick of silver. I also bought a few months of survival food. It only took about a month or two to acquire those supplies.

After I got those supplies, all I had to do was quit my job. That was the last step. That was the only step left. But I didn't do it.

In 2014 and 2015, life at work was difficult to nearly impossible. After going nuclear at the end of 2015, things got a lot better and easier for me at work however that is a story for another time.

I achieved my goal and I was not yet 30. What to do now?

In May of that year, I planned to visit one of my best friends in Denver. I had scheduled just about one week for vacation. It was the first time I ever flew and it was the furthest I've been away from home. I had a whole week to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

As I spent my time with Beard and Tulia, we went to a few bars and ate Mexican food a few times. I woke up early and got my coffee from the McDonald's. Since Beard had quit his job at the time, we were just wandering about amusing ourselves.

However, at the end of it all, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Without any real will, I could only rely on my default plan. Save up another 100 grand.

At the current rate, it would take me another 5 years to accumulate another 100 grand. I would be 33 and have at least 200 stacks. Maybe by then, I'd figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

It wasn't until the beginning of 2017 when I got a vague idea. I reread the book Rich Dad Poor Dad and I felt inspired.

Could I accumulate 1 million dollars at some point in my life? After getting the first 100 stacks, it seems like anything is possible.

After rereading Rich Dad Poor Dad, it was clear that I could not become a millionaire just by working my current job. I'd have to figure something else out.

Escape from the hospital

Before I start this story, I’d like to state that there are a few things you can do to save your loved ones at least $12,000. First of all, make sure you always have a key to where your loved ones live. Second, make sure that your loved ones never let their health insurance lapse. Third, you may want to discuss an emergency plan with you loved ones if they ever lose consciousness.

My dad suffers from epilepsy and occasionally gets seizures which knock him unconscious. This typically happens every 2 to 3 months. When he gets knocked out, it is my mom who renders aid to him while he recovers.

It was a few years ago when my mom decides to take a whole month off to travel to another country. While she was gone, I made sure to check up on my father multiple times a week. I recall this incident happened on Easter.

I was at home and called father to check up on him. He didn’t answer so I left a message and asked him to call me back. Since I was hungry, I drove off somewhere to go pick up a pizza. After some more hours passed, dad still didn’t call me back and I was getting worried. He wasn’t returning my calls.

Fearing the worst, I got in my car and started driving towards his shop (he lives there). When I get there, his truck is there, the door is locked, and the lights are turned off. I knock on the doors but I hear nothing. For about 30 minutes, I try anything I can do to make noise or look for a key or a way to breach into the shop. I even thought about smashing the glass in order to get in and check on my father. I thought about calling the police to breach the building but I had a feeling father wouldn’t want me to do that.

Dad is unconscious and could possibly be dead. I don’t have a key so I can’t confirm his condition. I hope for the best and head on home. Maybe he will recover the next day.

The next day, I get up and drive to my office to get some work done. Sometime before lunch, I get a call from the hospital downtown. I don’t know how he got there but the nurse told me she got my phone number by checking father’s phone. I had called at least 16 times so they must have assumed I was family. Apparently, my father got the will to try to work and serve some customers but the customers noticed father was in terrible shape. They called an ambulance and got father admitted to the hospital in the ER/Trauma Center.

I’m relieved that he isn’t dead so I inquire about his status. The nurse says that he is conscious but his mental capacity is greatly diminished. Apparently father thinks it is the year 1955. Regardless, I just want to see him to know that he is okay.

I send an email to my boss asking if it is okay if I leave work one hour earlier at 4pm so I can visit father. He sees my email and lets me off of work right away.

I drive towards home and stop by the mass transit rail station. I boarded the train downtown, walked past my old college, and into the hospital’s trauma center. When I see him, he is strapped to a cot, dressed in a hospital gown, has an IV tube stuck in his arm, and has a neck brace holding him down.

I see bruises on his head but he can recognize me and we talk for a little bit. I can ask him some basic questions but he isn’t all together there. His responses are pretty short and off. He is disoriented and doesn’t really know what happened to him. He can’t remember much.

After 15 minutes, a nurse moves the curtains back and walks in. I spend a little time pressing her for information. Luckily, she tells me where father’s items are. As I open a drawer, I see a plastic bag that contains his clothes, phone, and wallet inside. A gut wrenching feeling hits me in the stomach and I look through father’s wallet. I find his insurance card and the coverage period is valid unfortunately father had discussed with me weeks earlier that somehow his coverage lapsed and he was trying to get a different insurance policy. It was very possible that father didn’t have any coverage at this point in time.

More staff enter the space and move father from the trauma center to the 4^th floor of the hospital. I follow along with father’s stuff. As we settle into the new room, I place his items on the table next to him. A doctor comes in to examine him and I inform the doctor about father’s condition. After 30 minutes, I feel okay leaving father at the hospital. I wouldn’t be able to give him better care at home and I don’t think the hospital would have discharged father if I asked them to.

I go to work Tuesday morning and then visit father at the hospital after work. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t regained his full mental capacity and can’t answer basic questions. I also wasn’t able to locate father’s items. Father still thinks it is 1955. Regardless, I do my best to comfort him a little and tell him to try to get his memory back. After he does that, we can take him home.

I go to work Wednesday morning. Sometime after 11 am, I get a phone call from the hospital and it is father. He sounds week and miserable but he is mostly back to normal. He knows who he is and he can answer complex questions again. He begs me to get him out of there. After work is done, I head over to the hospital and find father. I locate him and start guiding him out of the hospital until I realize that he doesn’t have any of his stuff. He is still dressed in the hospital gown and doesn’t even have any shoes on. For the next 90 minutes, we start sweeping each room he was located in over the last 3 days in order to find father’s phone, wallet, and clothes. We end our search at the lost and found and unfortunately, we turn up empty handed. Father comes to the conclusion that hospital staff might have stolen his items. We leave the hospital without father’s clothes or items.

He is still in the hospital gown and barefoot so I ask him to stay as close to me as he can so he doesn’t draw any attention. After a quarter of a mile, we make it to the rail station and there are some police stationed there. I make sure father is as close to me as possible and get him through the entrance. Father and I board the train, unfortunately a 20 minute ride becomes 40 minutes when the train breaks down. When we finally get to my car, I start driving home and I get father some fast food for dinner. I’m so glad to be home but I can’t let father be alone on Thursday. I asked my boss if I could work from home on Thursday to get my dad situated and my boss agreed.

Thursday morning arrives and I wake up and start working from home. After a few hours, I get father ready to go to his shop and start figuring things out. Unfortunately, the hospital couldn’t locate father’s items. Without father’s keys, we can get into his shop, drive his car, or use his money. Our only hope is that father did not lock the doors before he was taken by the ambulance.

We arrive at father’s shop and pull the door handle only to find that it is locked. With anguish, we start to consider our options. We drive to a fire station to see if they can breach the door but no one is there. Father decides to just breach the property himself. However, he doesn’t want to smash the glass to get in. By 11 am, one of his tenants arrive and we get access to suite A of the building. Father’s workplace is located in suite E, so father decides the best idea is to climb up into the ceiling in suite A. From there, he can crawl across the I beams of the property and pop out the ceiling into suite E. Unfortunately, each suite is separated by a firewall. The only solution father his is to bust through the firewalls with a 20 pound weight. As he does this, he unlocks the doors of each suite and I see him climbing up on the I beams to make it to the next firewall in order to bust it open. The whole time, I’m worried father will fall and injure himself again. But thankfully, that doesn’t happen and father breaches suite E and gains access to some of his cash and a spare key for his truck.

The ordeal isn’t over yet. Since father lost his keys to the shop, there is always a risk that someone could break into his shop and steal his stuff. We spend the next hour or two going to a lock smith to get new locks for his shop and new keys. This mostly ends the ordeal on my end.

Days later, my mom arrived back in America and we retrieved her from the rail station.

Weeks to months afterwards, we learn that father had no insurance coverage at the time he spent in the hospital. While he was there, the hospital staff ran every test on father to make sure he didn’t suffer head/brain trauma. The final bill of the hospital visit came out to be $12,000.

How I committed economic suicide (part 6)

Thank you everyone who has read up to this point. This last post concludes an unfinished work for a book that I may or may not finish or publish at some point in the future. This last post concludes the backlog of work I've written in the last few years. I'll start producing new content afterwards.

April 2013

For the month of April, I spent a total of $994.86. I went way past budget but I was okay spending the money because I got the news I was hired to be an accountant. My auto insurance was $191 and my health insurance was $41.91. I spent $92.65 on fast food be eating out 20 times. Before starting a new job and commute, I wanted to take care of my car a little bit. I spent $181.14 on two tires to replace my front tires and $30 to get them installed on my car. I bought a bicycle for $100.64 just because I wanted to ride a bicycle from time to time before my job started in May. I spent $10 to enter a skatepark and another $34.93 on wristguards. I spent $26.93 on groceries. I spent $32.82 on new clothes to get ready for my new job. I also spent $43.18 on DVDs.

May 2013

For the month of May, I spent a total of $652.20. My auto insurance was $191 and my health insurance was $41.91. I spent $125.33 on gas by filling up my tank 4 times. I spent $45.80 on fast food by eating out 11 times. I spent $130.35 eating at other restaurants at least 8 times. I spent $21 on clothes. I spent $31.10 on groceries. I spent $25.21 on recreational activities like bowling and swimming.

June 2013

For the month of June, I spent a total of $631.16. My auto insurance was $191 and my health insurance was $41.91. I spent $148.41 on gas by filling up my tank 5 times. I spent $27.62 on fast food by eating out 6 times. My new office was located in a building that had a restaurant and I started eating there frequently. I spent $59.10 by eating there 13 times. I spent $35.44 on some new clothes for work. I spent $40.28 on groceries. I spent $15.86 on a pair of knee pads.